A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.