A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
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*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids