A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug