A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
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Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.