A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
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Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.