A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
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Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Pandas 🐼🖤
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”