A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
You Might Also Like
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Breaking news:
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”