@lovemydogduck Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
@BrownBear_91 A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
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@lovemydogduck 
@david8hughes [alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
@CulturedRuffian SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
@slaughthie All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
@truegritrumble BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
@OkieGirl405 Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
@goldengateblond my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
@mxmclain Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
@fatherofcomedy I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
@therepoguy Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style