A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
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i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
You have been warned.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Mouse
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real