A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.