A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
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mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.