A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
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“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me if I was a dog
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.