A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
You Might Also Like
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
the simulation is moving too fast
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?