A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
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Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.