A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.