A classic example of a cat being a cat.
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I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”