“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
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You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
what could possibly go wrong?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.