A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
My Plans 2020
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5