A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
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Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.