A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
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Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.