@frankpallotta

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.

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@Cheeseboy22

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

@its_P_bitches

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

@markydoodoo

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

@JimMWeber

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

@topshelftyson

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@daemonic3

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

@HatfieldAnne

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

@stephenjmolloy

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”