A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
finally
When ur friends with white people
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
me logging onto twitter
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.