A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
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😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
There is no “we” in pizza
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.