A closed mouth gathers no fries.
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Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…