A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now