A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
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the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
this country is so goddamn polarized
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?