A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
See..?
.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money