A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
never ask a starfish for directions
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.