Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.

Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.

Neighbor: That’s my wife.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

In public

4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!

Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

me: yes

Netflix: is that a book in your hands?

me: *gulp* no

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.