A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
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me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”