A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.