*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
You Might Also Like
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.