*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
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The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced