A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
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ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.