@RappaRick

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

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@david8hughes

*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”

@alexblagg

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

@weinerdog4life

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

@yung__spider

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

@jamespianka

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*

@LostCatDog

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

@WheelTod

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

@trevso_electric

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.