A comma is just a period with a mullet.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
We have a winner.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
the icebreaker
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster