[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
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Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.