A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
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Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Help Wanted
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”