A completely valid reaction tbh
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me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
#StillHurts