A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
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Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Don’t touch that.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
man: wait
time: no
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines