“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
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Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet