A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
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[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
50 shades of grey = my Liver
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home