A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
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I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
this is uni
[the middle of showering] I need a break
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri