A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
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A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Basically.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.