*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.