a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
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If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.