@mjkspeaks

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

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@D2BMcG

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

@ozzyunc

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

@kelkulus

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

@Carbosly

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

@AClkwrkStarfish

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

@EasilyTempted

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

@stephenjmolloy

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

@Book_Krazy

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.