a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

You Might Also Like


“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”


“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”


It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”


No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.


The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.


If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.


I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.


Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they


My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.