@mjkspeaks
@tweetcomedian Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
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@tweetcomedian 
@D2BMcG “Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
@ozzyunc “Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
@kelkulus It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
@Carbosly No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
@AClkwrkStarfish The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
@EasilyTempted If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
@RidiculousSheri I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
@stephenjmolloy Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
@Book_Krazy My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.