A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
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if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”