A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
#parenting
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh