A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
You Might Also Like
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
just left a huge legacy in there
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[the middle of showering] I need a break
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.