A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
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Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Rich people don’t understand cereal
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night