A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Brilliant!
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*