A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
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Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.