A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
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Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.