Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.