A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Meme Monday.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
It do be feeling this way.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.