@RealPrincessKim

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

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@Shade510

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

@2tickytacky

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

@AnkCoupleTO

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

@Jazzzzzmina

Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times

@AngelaEhh

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

@workingmomblog

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

@13spencer

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

@cepheusjackson

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

@cloudypianos

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

@Marcmywords2

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.