@theDanLawler

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

@Bownuggets

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

@UncleDuke1969

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

@DevilryFun

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

@notmythirdrodeo

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

@LionessElise

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:

@david8hughes

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

@Lisabug74

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.