A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
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I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Heroic Misunderstanding
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.