A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
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Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.